


and maybe we'll work this out

by localopa



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, I'm Sorry, M/M, Recovery, but apparently i don't understand the term fluff, not really - Freeform, self hate, this was originally a fluffy prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 11:00:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11034834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localopa/pseuds/localopa
Summary: old habits die hard. sometimes those habits can make your flatmate kiss you and realize, shit, you're in love with them.





	and maybe we'll work this out

**Author's Note:**

> this was a prompt i found on phanfic, where phil finds dan crying, kisses him, acts like he didn't just kiss him, and dan's like shit i'm in love with you. it was with all my intentions to make this super cute and fluffy, but that didn't happen. a big thank you to seb for being my beta and to harry styles for being a good human. title from "meet me in the hallway" by harry styles.
> 
> xx. oliver

it was an awful habit dan had, reading mean comments. if he wasn’t browsing tumblr on the couch, he was going through any of his videos, looking through the sea of comments to find the bad ones. they were always surrounded by nice ones, complementing dan on his looks or what the video was about. the nice ones never carried any weight to him, not like the rude ones.

a comment about how he looks fat here, a comment about how he should kill himself there, those were the ones that would normally keep dan up to the late hours of the morning. the ones that made dan not want to fall asleep and be awake for days on end.

however, it’s 2017, dan doesn’t usually do this kind of self torture like he did years ago, but that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t do it. most nights, he actually is in his browsing position for good reasons, or he’s watching something with phil. he’s gotten happier over the years,and would go on mean comment binges less.. he started sleeping more at night, started relying less on coffee to get him through the days, and phil would stop sending worrying glances across the couch. everything, really, was better.

tonight, however? it wasn't.

whenever dan would torture himself, he never did it when phil was in the same room as him. they sat far enough apart on the couch that they didn’t see the other’s screen, but close enough for them to show the other something funny or sad. phil, particularly, was always more nosey than dan was. he almost always insisted on seeing whatever made dan laugh or cry, so dan couldn’t read mean comments around him. he’d put an end to it quicker than dan would want.

phil was off in their office, editing a video, and dan was in the living room, scouring his comments for anything mean or rude. the morning was particularly rough for him, waking up feeling like he was hit by a freight train and more tired than he when he went to sleep. it was one of those mornings where dan knew what he’d be doing later. when phil offered to edit the latest gaming video, dan readily agreed. he wouldn’t have to hide out in his room later that night, he could be comfortable on the couch and do what he needed to do in order to feel better.

this time around, the comments were fucking brutal. part of him couldn’t believe that people went out of the way to leave such horrible things, part of him, a much larger part, was living for it. dan’s found the jackpot of negative comments. he hesitated as he saved all of the comments, putting them in a special file on his computer under the guise of “video ideas”. it’s not something he would normally do, but these ones needed to be saved for the next time he felt the need to terrorize himself. the good ones, even if they’ve lost some impact, still would elicit some reaction out of him.

dan was in the middle of putting another comment - this one about how phil is better off without him among other vulgar things - when phil had decided to come back to the lounge. he hadn’t even noticed that phil came in, too focused on trying to keep his crying quiet and wiping away tears to even see him. in fact, he didn’t notice phil until he was sitting right next to him, looking at his computer.

“jesus christ, phil!” dan slammed his laptop closed, turning his head towards him. “you can’t just sneak up on me like that!”

“you’re crying,” phil deadpanned, ignoring what dan had just said. “or you were crying. and the file that supposed to have video ideas doesn’t have video ideas, does it?”

dan immediately wiped away any stray tears that might’ve been left, sniffling. “no, of course they have video ideas in them. they were comment suggesti-”

“then why did the comment say i’m better off without you?”

dan stifled in his seat, looking away from his best friend. he should’ve done this in his bedroom, later, when phil was most definitely asleep and he could continue the habit. phil didn’t need this, didn’t need a flatmate and best friend who read mean comments until he could finally feel normal again. he’s 30 years old, for christ’s sake. phil should be out trying to find someone to start a family with, not worried about someone like him. maybe the comment was right, phil’s better off without him. dan should just tell him he’ll move out, phil shouldn’t be forced to anyway. maybe then phil cou-

“you’re not moving out, and i’m not better off without you,” phil sighed. he grabbed dan’s laptop and set it on their coffee table, wrapping his arms around dan. “i am not doing anything else until i know you’re happy again.”

“please don’t,” dan mumbled, leaning his head on phil’s shoulder anyway. “you should be editing, or something. not sitting here with your pathetic excuse for a flatmate.”

phil didn’t move away from dan. instead he pulled dan into his lap. it was a bit awkward, but the sentiment was there. dan sighed, looking over to phil. even if he didn’t exactly want the comfort right now, it felt nice. this felt nice, being in phil’s lap and finally having some sense of phil wanting him around. it’s not like dan didn’t know that, but when he gets that way, he can’t help but doubt it.

“how long?”

it felt like a weighted question, like answering it was life or death. phil was never supposed to find out, is the thing. dan didn’t want phil to know about his habit, didn’t want him to know what a fuck up he’s become. and he couldn’t lie, he couldn’t bring himself to lie to phil. phil knew him too well, anyway, it’s not like the lie would hold anything if he said it.

“since after my first video.”

phil mumbled out a curse, shaking his head. “you’re such a fantastic person, you know?”

“phil, ple-”

“when we first met, i thought you were so pretty. i always loved your eyes, skype could never do justice on how beautiful they are.”

dan’s eyebrows furrowed together, what? “what are y-”

phil’s laugh cut him off. “i always loved skyping with you, just so i could hear your voice. sometimes, i’d call you when i was stressed so i could listen to you.”

dan’s face softened, a small blush appearing on his cheeks. was phil complimenting him to cheer him up? all because he found dan crying over the negative comments? he deserved them! he didn’t deserve this kind of kindness at all!

“and when you blush, you look so innocent and cute. i think it’s one of my favorite things about you, when you blush, i mean,” it was phil’s turn to blush now, looking down to dan’s lap. “another favorite of mine is your smile. the one where both of your dimples show is the best of all of them,” phil laughed nervously, looking back up to dan. he held the gaze, there was something in phil’s eyes that dan can’t quite name. “but my all time favorite thing about you is your curly hair. and i don’t care what you said about when you were younger, any haircut you had and you left it natural, you were so cute. i love that you decided to leave it natural now.” 

oh, dan wasn’t expecting that. something he’s been so insecure with and, even now, he still doesn’t know how he feels. to the world, he’s Confident Dan Howell, the guy who’s leaving his hair natural because he feels better about himself with it. but, he doesn’t at the same time.

dan’s eyes closed for a moment, trying to calm himself from what phil has just told him, and then it happened. phil’s lips were gently pressed against dan’s, and he froze for a second. his best friend was kissing him and god he’s wanted this for so goddamn long, why hadn’t he thought to kiss back? he felt phil nudge against him, his grip tightening around dan’s waist and somehow pulling him closer. dan finally got out of his own head, reaching up with one hand to cup phil’s jaw. this felt _so fucking nice_ and so much better than dan ever imagined it could be.

the kiss ended too soon for dan’s liking, opening his mouth slightly to protest it before it was again covered by phil’s. this time, both could feel the other’s smile as their lips moved together. it was slow, it was nice, it was all dan ever wanted. his arms found themselves around phil’s neck, a hand slipping into his hair and he began to lightly scratch his scalp. he heard phil hum against his lips, making him smile even wider as they kissed. how had they gone so long without doing this? if only dan had kissed phil when they first met, maybe they could’ve been doing it for years.

all good things come to an end, phil slowly pulled away, their faces still close enough that dan thought he’s going to go in for a third. except, he didn’t. phil, again, surprised him, pulls away to look at dan’s face, smiling and opening his mouth. like maybe he’d finally tell him that he wants to be with him. this is what dan’s always wanted, maybe he didn’t already know, but now he did and, fuck, he really-

“do you want to order takeout or cook dinner?”

um. _what?_

dan stared at phil in disbelief, before quickly shaking his head. he should’ve expected this, it’s not like phil’s in love with him on anything. dan’s not even in love with him… right?

“oh, um, takeout, i guess. we don’t have a lot of food in the house to make anything,” dan shrugged, trying to come off like he didn’t just enjoy what they did.

phil smiled, patting dan’s lap so he could get up. “Is chinese ok? i’ve been craving it recently.” phil stood at the door to their lounge, waiting for dan to give a nod. “your usual, then?” phil pulled out his phone - when did that get there? - dialing up whoever and started ordering, leaving dan in the lounge by himself

what just happened? phil’s the one who kissed him first! that has to mean something, right? you don’t just kiss someone without meaning! especially phil, phil of all people wouldn’t do something without having some kind of motive. the phil he knows always has something planned out, always have some sort of explanation. what could it be?

_maybe he only kissed you because he found you crying on the couch. what other reason could there be?_

oh, maybe that would explain the sick feeling in his stomach.

-

wake up, forget that phil kissed you, eat breakfast, try to not remember how soft his lips were against yours, browse through tumblr, don’t think about how cute phil looks on the other side of the couch. live your days as if you aren’t in love with your best friend, forget how his lips felt, guard yourself so you don’t have to live with the heartbreak. wash, rinse, repeat.

dan hadn’t been the same since that day, his brain liked to call it. it’s almost like he didn't truly live anymore. most days run together, nothing too significant to warrant memories. he spaced out during live shows, he wasn't as happy as everyone used to see. hell, even phil’s noticed the change in him. the worrying glances across the couch had returned, he started to be more gentle with dan, akin to how phil treated him during when it was really bad. he doesn’t ask dan if he wants to film a video, he doesn’t ask him to edit, he doesn’t even talk to him most of the time. words are exchanged only in passing, breakfasts are silent, the lounge empty most hours of the day.

and the thing is, it’s technically _phil’s_ fault. dan didn’t do anything but kiss back and maybe fall in love. it’s not dan’s fault, but why does it feel like it is?

it’s 3am, his laptop died at around 1, he’s too exhausted to get out of bed to go get his charger. dan’s left staring at his ceiling, his thoughts are getting too loud for him to try and fall asleep. he’s probably crying, usually is, because it’s 3am, dan’s been awake since the day before last, and phil isn’t in love with him.

the last one hurts the worst.

it’s funny, that after almost 8 years of friendship, one kiss is ruining dan’s life. the fans were right, they see the things dan has been denying this for years and now it’s rearing its ugly face and single handedly destroying dan’s life again. at least before, when it was worse than it is now, dan could blame depression, could blame a chemical imbalance in his brain for why he felt horrible and would continue his habit. but now, there’s nobody to blame but himself. he’s gone and fallen in love with someone who will never love him like he wants him to. 

dan’s head falls to the side when he hears his door being opened, staring now at his desk. this happened sometimes, where phil would get so worried that he would just open dan’s door to make sure his best friend is still alive. he expects to hear the door close a minute later, like it always does, but instead he feels a dip in the bed and hears a shaky intake. had phil been crying too? he doesn’t deserve to be sad! he has no reason to be, he’s not the one who got his heart broken.

phil laid down fully next to dan, who still won’t look over at him, before curling into his side. it surprises dan when phil starts sobbing into his shoulder, not realizing how much this really had affected him. he slowly turned himself towards phil, wrapping his arms around him and just let him cry. dan’s stopped crying himself, couldn’t bring himself to cry anymore when he saw how upset the other was. it didn’t make sense why phil was crying, at least not to him it did. he’s the one trying to get over heartbreak, trying to get back to the level of happiness that everyone expected him to be at. 

they stayed like that, laying on dan’s bed wrapped around each other, until phil’s sobs slowly turned into shaky breaths and hiccups. even then, neither one seemed to want to move. phil moved his head away, taking off his glasses to wipe away the last of his tears. the glasses were tear stained, dan noticed, as phil put them back on, finally looking up to him.

“sorry, i didn’t come in here to cry on you,” phil joked weakly, the short laugh that left his laps not last more than a beat. “i... i’ve just been so worried about you. you’re not the same dan anymore. and it’s scary to just watch you from the sidelines so helpless.”

dan just looks at phil with a blank face, so he continues. “and i don’t know what to do! all i want to do all the time is just cuddle you and tell you everything’s going to be fine. but i can’t even promise that because you like to read those horrible, nasty comments when i’m not around. how can i protect you when you’re going to get hurt when i’m not here?” phil stares right back at him, his breathing labored slightly, his eyes searching for something.

“you kissed me,” dan’s eyes are closed now. he can’t look at phil anymore. “you kissed me and then asked me what i wanted for dinner.”

phil’s left speechless, left staring at dan. is this what this is all about? he thinks to himself, shaking his head. _he’s destroying himself over again because i kissed him?_

when dan doesn’t hear a response, he decides to continue. “do you have any idea what you’ve fucking put me through the past few months? you find me crying and you kiss me and you made me fall in love with you! you and your stupid soft lips and your laugh and _normal_ people’s eyes aren’t three fucking colors, phil. you kiss me and then left me heartbroken on the couch,” his breathing is heavier than when he started, eyes opened again so he can fully experience destroying the man who destroyed him. 

“but it’s fine!” dan pushes himself out of phil’s grasp, getting off the bed. “it’s all fucking fine because you get to live everyday like you didn’t kiss your best friend and left him high to dry. you left me to try and pick up the pieces of my stupid broken heart. i can’t wash you off in the shower like you can. i should’ve moved out when we talked about moving here, i could’ve stayed in our old flat and you wouldn’t have to deal with your stupid best friend.”

phil’s motionless on his bed, his stare still blank from when dan started. it only eggs him on. “well!? aren’t you going to say something?”

this actually breaks phil’s trance he seemed to be in, pushing himself up to sit on the bed. “you never said you were in love with me,” phil looks at his hands in his lap, paying more attention to his fingers than dan. “have i been worried this whole time because you fell in love with me? and you didn’t think to even tell me? this entire time, i thought it was getting bad again! i never wanted to go back to 2012, or 2011, i thought you had moved passed this!”

dan wasn’t expecting a retaliation, well, he did, just not this. “how the fuck am i supposed to tell you that when you blew me off?! you’re the one who kissed me, you’re the one who left right afterwards. you don’t get to be upset when this is all your fault.” 

“are you actually cross with me? you never want to talk about what’s wrong! you hide yourself up in your room, doing whatever kind of horrible torture you do to yourself, and then you go on and act like everything’s fine! _clearly_ ,” phil looks up to dan, giving him a onceover, “there’s something wrong with you.”

that, dan actually has to give phil. his outward appearance is truly awful. his eyes are sunken in more, he’s been wearing baggier clothes because he hasn’t been eating, his skin is paler than phil’s and that’s actually saying something. mentally and physically, dan isn’t doing well. and hearing it from phil, it actually breaks him.

phil manages to get to dan before he crumbles into the floor, going down with him and he just sobs and sobs into phil’s chest. it’s somewhere near 4 in the morning and this is when dan finally breaks. this had happened before, the breakdown before things got better, except phil wasn’t here the last time. phil had been on holiday with his family the last time, leaving dan to being vulnerable to his secret habit. 

it’s different this time for a lot of reasons, phil’s here, the breakdown happened much faster than his spiral into depression. phil’s mumbling something into dan’s ear, something that he can’t decipher over his own sobs, but it’s a lot better than the last time, where he had to pick himself off the ground. there’s someone there to ease that burden, dan feels like he’s already 10 steps ahead of getting better than the last time.

“it’s gonna be ok, dan. i promise you that everything’s going to be ok,” phil mumbles, and it’s the only thing dan hears before he falls asleep.

-

the worst thing about having a habit is, when you decide to break that habit, it’s a long road.

promises dan made were often broken, and it’s fine. the road to recovery is a long one, habits and addictions are hard to break. phil knew this, and dan’s convinced if it wasn’t for him, he wouldn’t have even tried.

the first month of trying to break the habit was the worst. they would constantly bicker about everything, a lot of days in their home would be quiet, both men too angry from the previous day to even speak. dan broke his promises the most during this month. more often than not would he find himself in his room, going through his folder and comments and adding to the folder. phil, everytime, would put a stop to this, causing another fight to break out.

months 2, 3, and 4 were a lot better than the first one. they’d still argue, but they were few and far between. most fights were about dan seeing a therapist, phil desperately trying to convince him that yes, dan, a therapist does care and yes, they will help you. promises weren’t broken that much, phil could count on one hand how many times he found crying over his laptop from his habit.

month 5 was the month dan finally lamented and decided to see a therapist. when he told phil, he nearly cried of joy, squeezing dan so close to his chest while whispering i’m so proud of you in his ear. he only broke his promise once, after his first visit with his therapist, and the fights had seem to subside. dan finally seemed to be getting back to the way the fans loved. his smile was brighter, his laughter was louder, and he was more confident. this month was also the month that dan finally deleted the folder.

if month 5 was about improvements, month 6, 7, and 8 were about happiness. the therapist was the greatest thing to ever have happened to dan and phil, the only fights they would get into were about small domestics, like forgetting the milk or eating someone else’s cereal. dan began to post more on his channel, they planned another dream holiday to japan again. everything was nearly normal again.

month 9, if phil can be biased, was his favorite month yet.

dan had just came home from therapy, calling phil into their lounge. this was normal for them, dan would wait until he got home and they would go through what he talked about in therapy. they sat on the couch and dan went into a recap of therapy like he always did, leaving in his own comments as he went.

“oh, there’s one more thing,” dan had said, catching phil off guard. it wasn’t like dan to almost leave something off.

“what is i-”

dan’s lips cut off phil, a hand cupping his jaw just like the first time. phil couldn’t help but smile, kissing back. when they finally pulled away, phil could see the blush creeping up on dan’s cheek, the shy smile as he ducked his head, and he most definitely could see both of his dimples. it made his heart ache, leaning forward to kiss the other’s cheek.

“my therapist finally convinced me to do that,” dan mumbled, his head still bent down. “i’d really like for you to be my boyfriend, i think i’m ready.”

in that moment, phil knew that everything was going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> you can follow me on tumblr @astronomerhxwell if you want


End file.
